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If I get high

I remember being in the hospital one night about two or three years ago. I had a rule that I had to wait six hours to make sure the pain wasn't stopping with normal medication before going to hospital. I was sixteen hours into this attack. I was delirious, either crying or asking to die, I wanted it all to stop. When you are in that much pain, for that long, with a doctor who says it's your fault, and you have a history of mental health problems, it is so easy to regress. Once the medication took effect I would be fine, rational and basically as recovered mentally as I was before. But when you are screaming in pain so much blood coats your throat and you throw up, for sixteen hours, you are back in that deep dark part of your mind. The doctor finally gave me the strongest medication he could and it finally worked. I cried for an hour as I was finally better. It worked so well, almost as fast as a light switch my body stopped shaking. I couldn't stop thanking people or a...
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To The Girl I Was Ten Years Ago

To the girl I was ten years ago.   I know you’ve had a rough year or two, you’ve moved again and you’re stuck in a place where you are anything but happy. I know you stare out of the window some nights, wishing you were on one of the planes you see. I know you are sad and I know it’s hard. But you’ll get through it.   I know you are desperate to grow up. I know you want to move away and never look back. You've tried to run away but you can’t. But even though you are having a bad time right now, it’s not going to get better for a long time. It's going to get worse first. So, be a child while you can.   If I could, I would warn you about so many things. Don't change yourself to be friends with people who make you feel bad. Don't go to the beach that Sunday. Tell Dad how you feel. Get the surgery. Plan what you want to do with your life at least a little bit more. Be honest with yourself and your therapists. Take care of yourself first. You matter, neve...
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Depressed Writing

Depressed writing is complicated. I love writing; as I write this, I am taking a break from writing my latest book and trying to get through a slump.   I have had the idea for this book for a while. It has grown to be my favourite idea ever. Hence why it is taking so damn long to write. It is my baby and I want to get it right. But, as everything with my life, it’s not easy , especially now.   I   am in remission from my mental health problems, but recently things have been a bit shaky; and it’s taking away my h a p p i n e s s ,   m y   w r i t i n g .   I have to write things in order or it doe sn’t work in my head. There is nothing wrong with that but it makes things more complicated.    I am currently writing the cute stuff, the romance, the sweetness, the lovey-dovey stuff that makes us all blush, smile and swoon. It’s the best part. But I don’t feel that. I feel sad, scared, gross some days. How can I write tha...
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I'm not sick enough.

I’m not sick enough. It's a weird sentence, right? No one wants to be sick; no one wants to be in pain. Why would I say it? Do I want to be sicker? To understand why I say this sentence, you h ave  to understand something about me.   I have chronic pain.    I am in pain to some degree every day. I take medication every day to try and control the pain attacks that bind me to my bed for days after. I had surgery in April to try and help. The thing is, I try so hard not to seem sick.   Maybe it’s my need to feel accepted, maybe it’s my own denial of my pain; but I try and I tire myself out every day to try and seem normal, healthy, pain free.  I don’t know, but I wish I didn’t. I wish I could be honest. I wish I could say I am having an attack; I wish I could say I can’t carry things some days, I wish I could be honest.   I always have tried to be funny, kind, I always wanted people to be happy around me, relaxed. I just wanted ...
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Why I Banned Panic! at the Disco In Germany

Do you have songs that remind you of a certain time in your life or an event? For married couples you'll think of your first dance when you listen to the song you danced to for example. This happens a lot for me. I'm not married but I have a hell of a lot of anxiety and I listen to music almost constantly just to slow my brain down; naturally a lot of music will remind me of certain things.   A good example of this that I feel most people can relate to is Disney music. I have 3 different “Childhood” playlists on my phone for different moods. They remind me of when I was a child, specifically younger than nine because nine and up just went to shit for me overall to be honest. But besides that, I listen to the music and remember sitting in the strange green chair in my old living room, crying as Troy and Gabriella sung goodbye on the bridge in HSM2. That memory is bittersweet. Outside of my Grandad dying around the same time that was the worst part of my life. That was th...
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