Why I Banned Panic! at the Disco In Germany

Do you have songs that remind you of a certain time in your life or an event? For married couples you'll think of your first dance when you listen to the song you danced to for example. This happens a lot for me. I'm not married but I have a hell of a lot of anxiety and I listen to music almost constantly just to slow my brain down; naturally a lot of music will remind me of certain things. 

A good example of this that I feel most people can relate to is Disney music. I have 3 different “Childhood” playlists on my phone for different moods. They remind me of when I was a child, specifically younger than nine because nine and up just went to shit for me overall to be honest. But besides that, I listen to the music and remember sitting in the strange green chair in my old living room, crying as Troy and Gabriella sung goodbye on the bridge in HSM2. That memory is bittersweet. Outside of my Grandad dying around the same time that was the worst part of my life. That was the bad part of my life. Simpler times. 

Now, what about banning Panic! At the Disco? I hear you ask. Well, it’s a kind of long story.  
I go through phases with music as you may do. Right now, I am listening to the Heathers off Broadway album amongst other musicals, next month I might be on an ACDC binge, it’s anyone’s guess. But one band in particular always comes back quickly. You guessed it. Panic! At the Disco. I don’t know what it is, maybe it is the jazz and musical theatre aspects in some songs or the heavier rock songs, maybe it’s Brendon Urie’s face, who knows? But they always come back, and I always love it. 

When I go to Germany it is to visit family, I go on average once a year, maybe more, it depends. Where I go it is mainly farmland and forest. We have a little field to ourselves and bits of the nearby forest to explore. It's great, apart from I don’t get on well with my family. Instead of resting bitch face I have resting depressed face. They tend to be fairly conservative and find my dark clothes intimidating. So, that mixed with other personal family issues I always dislike being there if I am amongst family. 

What happened one time when visiting is I was very into Tove Lo and Let it go by James Bay. I had them on a loop that holiday. And as I mentioned I listen to music almost constantly. Anyway, that holiday was bad for many reasons. I had a bladder infection, had to deal with family issues and that was the same time my mental health started dipping for the first time. So now I can’t listen to them, at all. It has ruined those songs permanently. 

So, this year I banned Panic! At the Disco in Germany. I have not lost a P!ATD song yet and I will not. Not without a fight. Luckily this year went okay and I didn’t lose any songs but I will keep this precaution. For my musical arsenal and my sanity.  

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

To The Girl I Was Ten Years Ago

To the girl I was ten years ago.   I know you’ve had a rough year or two, you’ve moved again and you’re stuck in a place where you are anything but happy. I know you stare out of the window some nights, wishing you were on one of the planes you see. I know you are sad and I know it’s hard. But you’ll get through it.   I know you are desperate to grow up. I know you want to move away and never look back. You've tried to run away but you can’t. But even though you are having a bad time right now, it’s not going to get better for a long time. It's going to get worse first. So, be a child while you can.   If I could, I would warn you about so many things. Don't change yourself to be friends with people who make you feel bad. Don't go to the beach that Sunday. Tell Dad how you feel. Get the surgery. Plan what you want to do with your life at least a little bit more. Be honest with yourself and your therapists. Take care of yourself first. You matter, neve...
Read more

I'm not sick enough.

I’m not sick enough. It's a weird sentence, right? No one wants to be sick; no one wants to be in pain. Why would I say it? Do I want to be sicker? To understand why I say this sentence, you h ave  to understand something about me.   I have chronic pain.    I am in pain to some degree every day. I take medication every day to try and control the pain attacks that bind me to my bed for days after. I had surgery in April to try and help. The thing is, I try so hard not to seem sick.   Maybe it’s my need to feel accepted, maybe it’s my own denial of my pain; but I try and I tire myself out every day to try and seem normal, healthy, pain free.  I don’t know, but I wish I didn’t. I wish I could be honest. I wish I could say I am having an attack; I wish I could say I can’t carry things some days, I wish I could be honest.   I always have tried to be funny, kind, I always wanted people to be happy around me, relaxed. I just wanted ...
Read more

Depressed Writing

Depressed writing is complicated. I love writing; as I write this, I am taking a break from writing my latest book and trying to get through a slump.   I have had the idea for this book for a while. It has grown to be my favourite idea ever. Hence why it is taking so damn long to write. It is my baby and I want to get it right. But, as everything with my life, it’s not easy , especially now.   I   am in remission from my mental health problems, but recently things have been a bit shaky; and it’s taking away my h a p p i n e s s ,   m y   w r i t i n g .   I have to write things in order or it doe sn’t work in my head. There is nothing wrong with that but it makes things more complicated.    I am currently writing the cute stuff, the romance, the sweetness, the lovey-dovey stuff that makes us all blush, smile and swoon. It’s the best part. But I don’t feel that. I feel sad, scared, gross some days. How can I write tha...
Read more