If I get high
I remember being in the hospital one night about two or three years ago. I had a rule that I had to wait six hours to make sure the pain wasn't stopping with normal medication before going to hospital. I was sixteen hours into this attack. I was delirious, either crying or asking to die, I wanted it all to stop.
When you are in that much pain, for that long, with a doctor who says it's your fault, and you have a history of mental health problems, it is so easy to regress. Once the medication took effect I would be fine, rational and basically as recovered mentally as I was before. But when you are screaming in pain so much blood coats your throat and you throw up, for sixteen hours, you are back in that deep dark part of your mind.
The doctor finally gave me the strongest medication he could and it finally worked. I cried for an hour as I was finally better. It worked so well, almost as fast as a light switch my body stopped shaking. I couldn't stop thanking people or apologising for being so loud. I was so happy with just a couple seconds of the medication.
The whole infusion of the medication took about half an hour, I was dehydrated and so tired. I couldn't eat and I had been on lots of different medications that day. I was obviously lightheaded and the new medication finally made me so relieved. Nothing could make me upset then.
I don't think I was high. I was anxious to see the doctor who had blamed me for my pain as I walked out. I was thinking about the exam I had in a couple hours that I had to attend. I was sad still that this was happening to me. But I was in a cloud of not caring because my pain was only a sore throat and a slight ache. The pain was finally over. I was free.
The pain attacks didn't go, but that was the worst one and that was the only time I had that medication. But I still think of that feeling, almost every day, and I crave it like nothing else. Not in the sense that I want the medication itself, but I want that feeling of pure joy, relief. I want the pain to stop not just in my body, I want the pain to stop in my life. I want to be free again like I was then.
If you read my last post, I wrote an open letter to the girl I was ten years ago. The girl I was twelve years ago, was different. she was happy and beautiful and smart. She had friends and a good relationship with even her extended family. The biggest concern in her life was getting stung by a jellyfish. That is the girl I think about all the time.
The song 'If I Get High' by Nothing but Thieves means so much to me and explains how I feel so well.
'If I get high, will I see you again?'
That lyric is burnt into my heart; because I sing it to her, the girl that was happy, the girl who was smart and beautiful and kind. The girl I was.
If I get high, if I feel like I did that night on that medication, will I see her again? Will I finally be her again? Will I finally be happy again? Will I ever be pain free or even just free?
I don't know. I don't want to know. I don't want to take that medication unless its necessary.
I just want it all to stop.
Is that too much to ask?
When you are in that much pain, for that long, with a doctor who says it's your fault, and you have a history of mental health problems, it is so easy to regress. Once the medication took effect I would be fine, rational and basically as recovered mentally as I was before. But when you are screaming in pain so much blood coats your throat and you throw up, for sixteen hours, you are back in that deep dark part of your mind.
The doctor finally gave me the strongest medication he could and it finally worked. I cried for an hour as I was finally better. It worked so well, almost as fast as a light switch my body stopped shaking. I couldn't stop thanking people or apologising for being so loud. I was so happy with just a couple seconds of the medication.
The whole infusion of the medication took about half an hour, I was dehydrated and so tired. I couldn't eat and I had been on lots of different medications that day. I was obviously lightheaded and the new medication finally made me so relieved. Nothing could make me upset then.
I don't think I was high. I was anxious to see the doctor who had blamed me for my pain as I walked out. I was thinking about the exam I had in a couple hours that I had to attend. I was sad still that this was happening to me. But I was in a cloud of not caring because my pain was only a sore throat and a slight ache. The pain was finally over. I was free.
The pain attacks didn't go, but that was the worst one and that was the only time I had that medication. But I still think of that feeling, almost every day, and I crave it like nothing else. Not in the sense that I want the medication itself, but I want that feeling of pure joy, relief. I want the pain to stop not just in my body, I want the pain to stop in my life. I want to be free again like I was then.
If you read my last post, I wrote an open letter to the girl I was ten years ago. The girl I was twelve years ago, was different. she was happy and beautiful and smart. She had friends and a good relationship with even her extended family. The biggest concern in her life was getting stung by a jellyfish. That is the girl I think about all the time.
The song 'If I Get High' by Nothing but Thieves means so much to me and explains how I feel so well.
'If I get high, will I see you again?'
That lyric is burnt into my heart; because I sing it to her, the girl that was happy, the girl who was smart and beautiful and kind. The girl I was.
If I get high, if I feel like I did that night on that medication, will I see her again? Will I finally be her again? Will I finally be happy again? Will I ever be pain free or even just free?
I don't know. I don't want to know. I don't want to take that medication unless its necessary.
I just want it all to stop.
Is that too much to ask?
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