JustThoughts

I’m not sick enough. It's a weird sentence, right? No one wants to be sick; no one wants to be in pain. Why would I say it? Do I want to be sicker? To understand why I say this sentence, you h ave  to understand something about me.   I have chronic pain.    I am in pain to some degree every day. I take medication every day to try and control the pain attacks that bind me to my bed for days after. I had surgery in April to try and help. The thing is, I try so hard not to seem sick.   Maybe it’s my need to feel accepted, maybe it’s my own denial of my pain; but I try and I tire myself out every day to try and seem normal, healthy, pain free.  I don’t know, but I wish I didn’t. I wish I could be honest. I wish I could say I am having an attack; I wish I could say I can’t carry things some days, I wish I could be honest.   I always have tried to be funny, kind, I always wanted people to be happy around me, relaxed. I just wanted ...

Do you have songs that remind you of a certain time in your life or an event? For married couples you'll think of your first dance when you listen to the song you danced to for example. This happens a lot for me. I'm not married but I have a hell of a lot of anxiety and I listen to music almost constantly just to slow my brain down; naturally a lot of music will remind me of certain things.   A good example of this that I feel most people can relate to is Disney music. I have 3 different “Childhood” playlists on my phone for different moods. They remind me of when I was a child, specifically younger than nine because nine and up just went to shit for me overall to be honest. But besides that, I listen to the music and remember sitting in the strange green chair in my old living room, crying as Troy and Gabriella sung goodbye on the bridge in HSM2. That memory is bittersweet. Outside of my Grandad dying around the same time that was the worst part of my life. That was th...

So, I just got back from a five day trip to Krakow, Poland (amazing place, I recommend going.) and it has gotten me thinking. I have been travelling for my whole life (military kid life I guess.) and I have always enjoyed it. What isn't there to enjoy? I didn't have many friends or at least any close ones to miss and I was with my family. I could change my identity almost every 2.5 years and I got to experience much more than most people get to. I loved travelling when I was a military kid and I love it now I'm a civilian. Since becoming a civilian about 6 years ago when my military parent retired form the military I have been growing more and more desperate to travel. When they retired we had been living where we are now for I think 2 years, so after a year it was getting strange to be in the same place. In about two months I will have been here for eight years, and I'm sick of it. Yes I still go on holidays, we drive to villas some summers for a week but it is...