Thirst for Travel
So,
I just got back from a five day trip to Krakow, Poland (amazing place, I recommend going.) and it has gotten me thinking.
I have been travelling for my whole life (military kid life I guess.) and I have always enjoyed it. What isn't there to enjoy? I didn't have many friends or at least any close ones to miss and I was with my family. I could change my identity almost every 2.5 years and I got to experience much more than most people get to. I loved travelling when I was a military kid and I love it now I'm a civilian.
Since becoming a civilian about 6 years ago when my military parent retired form the military I have been growing more and more desperate to travel. When they retired we had been living where we are now for I think 2 years, so after a year it was getting strange to be in the same place. In about two months I will have been here for eight years, and I'm sick of it.
Yes I still go on holidays, we drive to villas some summers for a week but it is in driving distance so I never really feel like I am getting away. Other holidays are just to appease family members who we haven't seen for a while. To be honest I wish we saw them less so I never feel the escape then either.
You see, dear reader, I hate where I live. I know a lot of people say that but I truly mean it. Every time I talk about how much I hate living here I cry; I'm getting emotional just writing this. So naturally I want to leave, I want to escape. That is why my thirst for travel is so great.
It's quite a depressing and triggering story as to why my distaste for this place is so great so I will leave that story for another time but for the few that know it, they completely understand and encourage me to leave too.
I think part of the reason I get so emotional about my need to leave is because I don't want to want to leave so much. Apart from the very specific reasons I want to leave the place is alright. Yeah, it is small and yeah it is a bit too built up for me but it has good things too. Amazing views, wonderful nature and strange wildlife. University (college) sponsorship for people who have lived here for a certain amount of time (I have thoughts about this that I will get to another time) and probably more I can't think of. And obviously I love my family, I don't want to be so desperate to leave a place since it means leaving them; I guess I want them to be a bigger anchor for me to be able to hang on.
This time last year I was planning on moving this summer. August 12th to be exact. Me and my best friend at the time both had jobs (two very long stories for another time) and we were saving money trying to leave. We looked at flat listings for places all over Europe, anywhere where we could speak the language. We just were not happy. When my friend betrayed me and that plan fell through along with my job; my hope for the future dissipated.
For some context I have had mental health issues in the past and having that happen made me 'wobble' a bit. but it made me wonder further.
What if no matter where I go, I will be just as sad, just as lost or stressed or depressed or anxious? What if travelling won't make the trauma hurt less? What if travelling or moving away won't stop the nightmares?
Going to Krakow helped slightly with this. Due to my anxiety I listen to music constantly, to quiet my brain and slow down my thoughts. I even have a playlist that is for when I am really depressed. It starts with the saddest songs I know and fades to the calmest; in an hour I am okay again. In Krakow I didn't have to listen to music constantly. Only to fall asleep. I could listen to the leaves in the wind and I could enjoy the wind on my face. I did feel more at peace.
This was an educational trip, we did so much walking which caused pain (Another story for another day) and did things I wouldn't do again, so if I could plan a holiday that would make things better. So my anxiety is lessened now.
Overall I think I can be calmer about my desperation for travel/escape but I know this lingering tranquillity will not last. I do have to leave to better my life. I just have to figure out how, what is the best way? I just want the good feeling to last.
I just got back from a five day trip to Krakow, Poland (amazing place, I recommend going.) and it has gotten me thinking.
I have been travelling for my whole life (military kid life I guess.) and I have always enjoyed it. What isn't there to enjoy? I didn't have many friends or at least any close ones to miss and I was with my family. I could change my identity almost every 2.5 years and I got to experience much more than most people get to. I loved travelling when I was a military kid and I love it now I'm a civilian.
Since becoming a civilian about 6 years ago when my military parent retired form the military I have been growing more and more desperate to travel. When they retired we had been living where we are now for I think 2 years, so after a year it was getting strange to be in the same place. In about two months I will have been here for eight years, and I'm sick of it.
Yes I still go on holidays, we drive to villas some summers for a week but it is in driving distance so I never really feel like I am getting away. Other holidays are just to appease family members who we haven't seen for a while. To be honest I wish we saw them less so I never feel the escape then either.
You see, dear reader, I hate where I live. I know a lot of people say that but I truly mean it. Every time I talk about how much I hate living here I cry; I'm getting emotional just writing this. So naturally I want to leave, I want to escape. That is why my thirst for travel is so great.
It's quite a depressing and triggering story as to why my distaste for this place is so great so I will leave that story for another time but for the few that know it, they completely understand and encourage me to leave too.
I think part of the reason I get so emotional about my need to leave is because I don't want to want to leave so much. Apart from the very specific reasons I want to leave the place is alright. Yeah, it is small and yeah it is a bit too built up for me but it has good things too. Amazing views, wonderful nature and strange wildlife. University (college) sponsorship for people who have lived here for a certain amount of time (I have thoughts about this that I will get to another time) and probably more I can't think of. And obviously I love my family, I don't want to be so desperate to leave a place since it means leaving them; I guess I want them to be a bigger anchor for me to be able to hang on.
This time last year I was planning on moving this summer. August 12th to be exact. Me and my best friend at the time both had jobs (two very long stories for another time) and we were saving money trying to leave. We looked at flat listings for places all over Europe, anywhere where we could speak the language. We just were not happy. When my friend betrayed me and that plan fell through along with my job; my hope for the future dissipated.
For some context I have had mental health issues in the past and having that happen made me 'wobble' a bit. but it made me wonder further.
What if no matter where I go, I will be just as sad, just as lost or stressed or depressed or anxious? What if travelling won't make the trauma hurt less? What if travelling or moving away won't stop the nightmares?
Going to Krakow helped slightly with this. Due to my anxiety I listen to music constantly, to quiet my brain and slow down my thoughts. I even have a playlist that is for when I am really depressed. It starts with the saddest songs I know and fades to the calmest; in an hour I am okay again. In Krakow I didn't have to listen to music constantly. Only to fall asleep. I could listen to the leaves in the wind and I could enjoy the wind on my face. I did feel more at peace.
This was an educational trip, we did so much walking which caused pain (Another story for another day) and did things I wouldn't do again, so if I could plan a holiday that would make things better. So my anxiety is lessened now.
Overall I think I can be calmer about my desperation for travel/escape but I know this lingering tranquillity will not last. I do have to leave to better my life. I just have to figure out how, what is the best way? I just want the good feeling to last.
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